Dear Set Hairdresser:
To put it mildly and practically downright politely, you suck. You messed everyone up (hello, Esme with the side ponytail? Huh?), but the true travesty is Jackson Rathbone, who is a tasty hunk of manflesh, or at least was, until you got your throwback-to-farrah-fawcett-feathered-man-hair hands all over him. Please change careers, stat.
Dear Director, AD, Production Designer, et. al.,
You saw what the Hairdresser did and let him/her get away with it? Shame on you. Shame.
Dear Costume Designer,
I mostly enjoyed your work, but WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED with Alice’s outfit when in the Volturi’s chamber? Why did you suddenly decide to raid your grandmother’s closet to dress her for that scene? BAD COSTUME DESIGNER. NO COOKIE.
Dear Kristen Stewart,
You are too fucking adorable. So adorable, in fact, that you give me a complex. You are perfect and I never, ever will be. And you have *the* perfect eyebrows. I am mesmerized by your eyebrows. They are two tiny works of art. Also, I was glad to see that your acting skills have expanded to include more than looking confusedly at something while pushing your hair behind your perfect ear. You were almost pleasant. Good for you.
Dear Bella Swan,
You are a heartless bitch, and selfish to boot. I am not surprised that you toss over warm, kind, loving Jacob for the creepy, stalkerish, controlling Edward, but still, fuck you.
If you are looking for a gal who believes nice guys do deserve to get the girl, give me a call.
Dear Taylor Lautner,
You are lovely, but I hope that was all the result of protein shakes and not some terrible drugs that shriveled your manhood like sundried tomatoes.
Dear Emily (or, more accurately, Dear Props Designer),
IF IT IS THE SIZE OF A CABBAGE IT IS NOT A MUFFIN, okay?
Could you possibly have made Edward any more homosexual without actually putting him in a dress?
Dear Death Cab for Cutie,
You are probably my favorite band, and I am just not sure if I should be happy or sad that you have a song in the new Twilight movie.